Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She died doing what she loved! Telling me how to drive.

   If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.

   I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

   Coffee is just a hug for your insides.

   Fred Durst is directing a commercial for the dating site eHarmony. If he doesn't use the slogan "Do It For The Nookie" I will be highly disappointed.

   If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...

   I accidentally touched my wife's boob and she didn't recoil in disgust so things are looking up.

   I don't mind when others use my gun for target practice...it's always nice to have a second set of finger prints on a gun.

   I get the same feeling at the dentist that I get when a cop car is behind me; I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel incredibly guilty.

   My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.

   Maybe we should let Sandusky loose on Congress

   When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.

   Chris Brown has recently entered Rehab for anger management issues. I for one have faith in Chris. He has never faced anything that he couldn’t beat.

   Happy Halloween... may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! ;-)

   Rob ford is the real life Mayor Quimby.

   Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." .............. * Mrs. Grinch

   Just got an Oscar nomination for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

   Comcast complains to the better business bureau....isn't it ironic....don't ya think?

   I don't get it. I've been thinking a lot about eating less and exercising more, yet somehow I still gain weight.