Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.

   Stop telling me how to do my job! I don't go down to your work and knock the d!ck out your mouth, do I?

   I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

   You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let's do it!!

   Apparently it's frowned upon to bring beer to a search party.

   Super Bowl Sunday: when people talk over the game and shut up during commercials. Go USA

   You have a better chance of falling out of an airplane, landing on a trampoline, bouncing back up in the sky and getting hit by the same airplane than you do of winning the lottery, yet people continue to plunk down paycheck after paycheck…

   My April Fools day joke blew up in my face. I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.

   If I were Stevie Wonder I would say “I’ll believe it when I see it” in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.

   When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   “Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.”

   Quit crying, kid. I won this Easter egg hunt fair and square...

   I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.

   John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft

   Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

   Don't, under any circumstance, believe I'll return your Tupperware.

   Why didn't Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

   I studied Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in "Mad Black Momma in Baltimore," I'm forsaking both and signing up.

   I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays'bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally

   In my day, a hashtag was called a pound sign. And before that, we played Tic-Tac-Toe on that $hit.