Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I've learned anything from listening to world news, it's that the world is full of countries I've never even heard of.

   Dear U.S. Congress and Justice Department. How much body armor for our military troops could have been purchased with the $3 million of taxpayer money wasted on investigating and prosecuting a washed-up old ballplayer? Love, (fill-in your name)

   Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign ‘Anywhere But Here' So I swerved, hit him. Now he's in a ditch. Hope that's ok, he wasn't really specific.

   Well guess its time to do the dishes....... The kids are drinking their milk from shotglasses.

   Never look for leftover fireworks in your car with a lighter. Good news is I now have a sunroof.

   When the cashier asks me "Is that everything?", I feel like crap inside because obviously my order didn't satisfy her.

   And the moral of Little Red Riding Hood is,,, Learn to differentiate facial features between a wild dog & a human...

   Instead of a wallet, I always keep my money in an envelope that says "For the orphans" so people will feel terrible if I'm ever murdered.

   Whenever a woman says, "I'm going out tonight with the girls;" I like to think she's referring to her boobs.

   Whoopi Goldberg and Flava Flav should just gone head & admit that Lil Wayne is their child.

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon.

   When someone sends you a text that says “call me”. Why didn't you just damn call me?

   The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

   The worst = telling an awesome story and realizing halfway through that you should not be telling it to that person.

   Breast Awareness month: we stare because we care.

   I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything.

   Money can buy a fine dog...but only love can make him wag his tail.

   When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

   Just because you attract a lot of nasty skanks does not mean you're a stud. It means that your own kind recognizes you.

   Kids are more fun when you can give them back.