Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BEST ADVICE: Be happy in front of people who don't like you, it kills them.

   Second chances: When it just didn't hurt enough the first time.

   I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

   I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.

   still wonders why my friends in high school all had those plastic film containers and no one owned a camera?

   My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk

   Horror movies don't scare me. Five missed calls from my mother scares me.

   Ok, but like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

   Picasso emoticon: ' < __ ,

   What I lack in confidence, I make up for in whisky.

   Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.

   If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff...

   I discovered last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee in the middle of the night......Is sleeping right through them.

   Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.

   My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

   I'm all out of damns to give, and only have a few flying f*cks left... but I'm saving those for a special occasion.

   growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

   totally missing his Kindergarten days..... I had a nap in the middle of the day and a snack when I woke up just for being a good boy while sleeping. At work I get a written warning.

   Let's put the kid's to bed and play with the box they came in!

   When your ex says: "You'll never find someone like me" you are supposed to turn around and say: "God I sure hope not!!"