Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   brought to you today by the neighbor's router

   Theres no feeling as disgusting as the feeling you get the moment you realize that your finger just went through the toilet paper...

   I bet if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   Sometimes when I wanna be really romantic........ I light a candle when I masturbate

   Ugh. Do I really need to register to your website to leave a comment? I just need to disagree with this assh0le real quick.

   Wouldn’t it be great if people could only get AIDS from being a Politician who screws with the economy and causes a Government Shutdown?

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

   Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you'll feed him for life. Give a octopus nunchuks and nobody's going to bother those fish again.

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded

   Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and asks for a condom. They ask "shall we put it on your bill", she says "are you thucking thupid i'll thuffocate!"......

   will never gonna figure out why they call it Miss Universe when our planet is the only one competing.

   Note to self: I think we should see other people.

   Divorce attorney: $3,500. Mediator fees: $575. Court costs: $130. Finally being legally and financially free from that former 'significant other': PRICELESS!

   Instead of tagging me in ugly pictures on Facebook, I wish you could just say "I hate you" straight to my face.

   I try to misbehave appropriately.

   When I was younger, after getting a haircut or visiting the doctor I would receive a lollipop. My tastes have not changed since then. Give me a damn lollipop.

   FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.

   You ever fire up your leaf blower and blow your neighbor's chihuahua down the street??

   So....I just heard that one of the trapped Chilean miners has both his wife AND mistress at the rescue site. Awww dude, just stay down there.........