Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't seem to turn off the wildlife feature on his GPS... every now and then it tells me, "In 500 feet, bear left!" Like that's not gonna scare the crap out of me!

   officially resigning from adulthood!!! ...if you want to discuss this further you'll have to catch me first, cos... "Tag! You're it."

   The person who said "nothing's impossible!" has never seen me doing nothing.

   When a man speaks, people listen, then look. When a woman speaks, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   Nothing freaks me out more than touching a surface that was unexpectedly wet with some unknown liquid.

   Forgetfulness is the device your mind uses to tell you what is important and what isn't.

   wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

   Don't be afraid of rejection..It hurts, but you won't die from it.!!!

   The list of things I won't eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.

   It's always nice to have a baker's dozen of something, unless it's like stab wounds or something.

   Who we are never changes. Who you think you are does.

   It must be a real self-esteem killer for a fat lady if the show always ends after she sings.

   an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

   When I asked "How are you?" it was rhetorical.

   Happy Get Drunk to Make Your Inlaws Less Annoying Day Eve!

   ‎"I don't mean to brag" is something people say right before they brag.

   believes insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it. ツ

   Okay, in case we get caught... lets get our stories straight

   I don't remember anything past "we have 60 minutes to drink this keg."

   My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...