Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A heads up to girls on Facebook .. if your status says "single" and your profile picture is you with your cat - Well then that is why

   Sometimes the Birthday reminders on facebook remind me of the friends.i need to delete

   Thirty five people died from eating cantaloupe in Jan. And that,, right there, should be this years new slogan for Krispy Kreme.

   I have a memory foam mattress... I really hope it doesn't remember everything.

   70% of my enemies were once my friends.

   The older you get, the harder it gets to find someone willing to share a horse costume with you.

   Solving crimes was a lot easier 30 years ago. All you had to do was ask Huggy Bear who did it…

   I'm 94% sure I'm going to die in a running in flip flops incident.

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

   Who gets the binders full of women?

   My love comes with more terms and conditions than iTunes.

   Women dont say sorry, when a guy is right they say.... "Whatever!"

   You find out who your real friends are when all you have left to offer is friendship.

   Even when I'm home alone, I always lock the bathroom door. I've seen Zombieland. I'm not going out like that.

   ''Live this friday like it was your last.'' - The Mayans

   Fate puts different people in our path. It's up to us to determine if they are keepers or creepers.

   Be original. Don't just walk up to a girl in a bar. Pay bouncers to clear a path & cartwheel up to her. If rejected casually cartwheel away.

   We bought a zoo, because we bought some pot.

   YOLO - You Obviously Lack Originality

   When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.