Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   screw the box! I think outside the straight-jacket

   I have a recurring, hour-long meeting set on my work calendar for 4pm on Fridays. There's no actual meeting, but I'll be damned if I let someone schedule a real one at that time."

   If you can't fix it with duct tape, WD-40 or a martini it aint worth fixing.

   Dont you ou hate when you're at someone's house and they ask stupid questions like "Who are you?" and "Is that a gun?",

   It was better back when you could look under a bottle cap and see you won instantly, rather than this entering a code online thing they have now. I want to look under the cap and see "YOU WON!" instead of ED34GH.

   There are times where you really do feel sorry for Squidward.

   If you think about it Johnny Bravo would be perfect for Jersey Shore.

   The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!

   An organization can be famous for being a bad example.

   Nick Foles gets a concussion, wakes up thinking he's Peyton Manning.

   You know all those things you've wanted to do....you should do them!

   I also refuse to turn the beat around........

   Blow jobs are a great last minute gift idea for Valentine's Day.

   1990: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.

   Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can't go to college.

   This election is just dragging on too long. It's like the world's longest Nicolas Cage movie...

   Starting to think that guy in the mirror doesn't like me.

   Dear America, feel free to use me whenever you want. Sincerely, common sense.

   At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.