Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looks like Jeff Dunham is going to have another partner for Achmed the Dead Terrorist...

   Saying, "Hang on, I can't hear you!" while I'm in the bathroom is not my way of telling you, "Please talk louder." Just give me a freaking minute.

   Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here

   Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.

   To everyone who posts a second comment to correct your first comment, you know what edit means, right??

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   My mom told me she had Five Guys for lunch today."

   Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...

   Recommended doses aren't the boss of me.

   Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬...Oh the weather outside's delightful, the balance in my account is frightful, what happened to all my dough, I dunno, I dunno, I dunnnnoooooo...♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

   My New Year's resolution is to announce a bunch of grandiose plans & changes I want to make for the new year, but then seamlessly slide into the same destructive patterns that have kept me suppressed in a life of mediocrity for as long as I can remember.

   No one is being forced to read my posts, unfriend me or I'll block you at the slightest hint of dissatisfaction. I'm helpful like that

   At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   It's sexy when a woman wears nothing but a long shirt to bed, it's sexier when she doesn't see you watching from the tree outside her window

   Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.

   It's like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.