Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!

   It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...

   I say we give them 1 more day and if they can't come to an agreement then we initiate the 1st U.S. Hunger Games.

   I'm sorry Kanye, but you can't name your baby North West, then call yourself a "creative genius."

   I think I'm the only person in this Family Dollar without a neck tattoo....... Wait, a 7yo just walked by,, Yep, still the only one.

   It's funny how Facebook will suspend me for 30 days if I send out friend requests to people they constantly suggest to me, but it's ok for them to bombard the right side of my page with scantily clad women in my area who supposedly want to date me!

   If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.

   If time is money, then I'm running out of time very quickly

   Smile. It's easier than explaining why you're sad.

   I'm looking for the "It's Complicated" box to check off on this tax form.

   Does this couch I'm laying on make me look unmotivated?

   I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.

   Realistically most adults only need to know enough math to cheat the government once a year.

   If state farm was like a good neighbor they would had plowed my driveway today for me.

   Ice has a way of turning even the most graceful of people into really bad break dancers......

   "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Unless, of course, they did unto you first, and now you have to totally open a can of "unto" on them.