Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says having kids means having pictures in my wallet where I used to have money!!

   SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: The amount of Alcohol consumed can directly increase the amount of facebook activity.

   We should handle everything in life like a Dog would... if you can't eat it or play with it then just pee on it and walk away.

   A woman knows she's wearing the right dress, when her man wants to take it off.

   People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.

   In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat.

   I understand that good things come to those who wait. Might I ask just how long the line is?

   When I was your age I lost my tooth..not my virginity...

   You moon the wrong person at the office as a joke just once, and suddenly you're not "professional" anymore.

   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

   when someone asks you what time it is..glance at your watch and say "it's either 6:15 or mickey has a hard-on." guaranteed they'll ask someone else.

   Just out of curiousity....Does anyone know how to get blood out of clothes??? Better yet, carpet??? Thanks!!!

   Because we're all so offensive and opinionated, anything about politics, religion, race, current events, and alcohol will always get the most votes and comments.

   I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

   Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can pluck a fly out of the air with your bare hands. You Sir, are what we called hired!"

   No grandma, the term "hung like a horse," has nothing to do with being hungry. Please stop saying that before you get us kicked out of here.

   Cmon, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!!

   People You May Know = I know none of these people.

   feels like LIFESAVERS candy is overstating their importance.