Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men leave the house thinking someone wants to have sex with them so they pack condoms. Women think the same so they pack mace and a taser.

   What's the difference between complete and finished? When you have a beautiful girlfriend your life is complete, your wife finds out about it you're finished.

   Maury: "Darth Vader, you.... ARE the father." Luke: "Nooooo!"

   People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

   I'm not at all ashamed to admit that I pick my hotels solely based upon the items they show in the pictures of their continental breakfast.

   One of the best feelings is cutting a person off and then having them do something to reassure you that you made the right decison.

   "Windows is waiting for the program to respond." Funny... So am I.

   I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so friggin' heroic.

   It's really hard raising a child by yourself, I don't know how my T.V. does it.

   Ok who was the moron that came up with idea of the kiddie shopping carts shaped like animals,trains, race, cars or whatever! Parents do you really need to push your kids around the store in in a shopping cart bigger then the car you came to the store in!

   I JUST SAW MCDONALDS IS BRINGING BACK THIER "MCRIB" SANDWICH AGAIN. FROM WHAT I REMEMBER AFTER EATING ONE YEARS AGO, I THINK I'm GOING TO CUT OUT THE MIDDLE MAN. I WILL BUY IT AND THEN PUT IT DIRECTLY IN THE TOILET. I WILL SPARE MYSELF THE DISCOMFORT

   My life would make one really good Soap Opera, or at least four really bad country songs.

   Considering the number of paternity tests Maury Povich has on his show, I think he should change the shows name from " The Maury Povich show" to "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?".

   My car heater has two settings: face melting and off.

   "Paranormal Activity 2" - terrifying tale of suburban home that unexpectedly gets possessed by Bank of America.

   Love how you keep me warm and make me feel safe. Never a scornfull word or negative comment. Always pick me up when I am feeling down. You smell good all the time and are steaming with pleasure.......Coffee, I think I love you........

   This is what I spent all those years learning my ABDs for?

   People say that money can't buy happiness. I say I haven't yet secured sufficient funding to conduct a sound study on this subject.

   Thinks that you people are just lucky that I am so terrified of Prison!!

   dear homework, you are not attractive, and I'm so not doing you.