Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Expecting your guy to be romantic all the time is like expecting you to behave like a porn star all the time.

   I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.

   Do what you love, but run like hell as soon as you hear the sirens.

   Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.

   My therapist told me I should quit drinking alcohol and caffeine. I laughed and said "Maybe you're the crazy one!!"

   My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn't illegal to talk in the car while I'm driving.

   The worst way to miss someone, is to have them sitting right next to you & you know you can never have them.

   Snooki is going to be hosting WWE raw on monday. Finally, a good match for Hornswoggle

   I just accidentally sat through the commercials of a show recorded on my DVR. Every time I do that, a part of me dies.

   if you are going to write on the dust on my car please dont date it

   It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

   I never make the same mistake twice.... I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

   The idiot that wrote about the "Porshes and Mexicans" knows how to spell Porsche.

   I like my women like I like my coffee....Ethically purchased from small farming cooperatives in South America and delivered to me on the back of a donkey.

   The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone

   I'm on hold now for 38 minutes... But that's ok.... I'm very important to them...and the best part is they don't get tired of admitting it over and over and over again.

   I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I'm going back to bed for six weeks.

   ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~. . snooze. . ~Alarm~ *checks time* OMG! CRAP

   Alright look...I'll be honest, those pants make your ass look like your inner child grew up, and decided to invite some friends over...

   don't call me on the phone then after I answer tell me to "hold on a minute". If you do, I will hang up instantly. You called me! If you weren't ready to talk, then you shouldn't have dialed.