Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Feeling Bored? Post a status on Facebook that says " Hillary Clinton 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.

   A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

   Whoppi threatening to leave the US if Trump is elected is like an endorsement for Trump

   The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.

   Saying "I'm offended" is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.

   Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.

   Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other stuff wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

   Why is Victoria Beckham not in a commercial for 'Old Spice'?

   If cockroaches can survive nuclear war and chemical warfare, then I want to know what is in a can of RAID?

   After filling up my gas tank this morning before work, I realized that I didn't want to eat for the rest of the week anyway.

   One of the most important things I've learned in life is to have at least one person with whom you never need to explain yourself.

   I'm sorry I'm late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.

   If a guys says ''I can't feel anything wearing trhis condom!'' Ask him if he can feel you sucking the money out of his paycheck for trhe next 18 years!!!''

   You know we're in a recession when they start making game shows where the winner gets a job.

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them.

   My wife said, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong" I said.."And whose fault is that?"

   "The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?

   The best thing about partaking in the secret santa at work means I can finally give one special lady the mustache trimmer she so desperately needs.

   Hey,,Just started reading "The Chubby Checker Story". No spoilers please,,,,,,, apparently there's a twist.

   Still confused why we use soap and water to remove food from our hands, but just dry paper to remove sh!t from our a$$holes