Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time someone gives you a business card, stick it in your mouth and eat it without breaking off eye contact

   Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me..

   Respect for women, starts with your mother

   Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..

   I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.

   I just got an email with the subject line "Whales are counting on you". I responded "Whales are making a serious mistake"

   According to the BMI chart I am too short.

   When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from google know it's urgent.

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.

   Dont worry people, you can still wear your LiveStrong braclets. Just cross out the V.

   Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a þénís.

   You know, Microsoft, if you had called it Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. Example: I just Banged Catherine Zeta Jones.

   Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

   You should never fully trust the person who seems to never have to get out of the pool to take a bathroom break.

   There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

   Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.

   This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ......... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!

   Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.

   Spiderman: Just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the web.

   Cell phone, I dont know why you keep capitalizing VODKA, But I like the way you party....