Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its a bit awkward when you don't realize how many curse words and sexual innuendos a song has in it until you're in the car listening to it with your parents.

   My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."

   Black History Month reminded me that Peanut Butter was invented by a black guy...I Assume "Chunky" was in reference to his White Girlfriend...

   On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."

   I spend a lot of time wondering what normal people do in my situations.

   I haven't dated Miss Right yet, but I have dated Miss Guided, Miss Directed, Miss Conduct, Miss Fire, Miss Demeanor, & Miss Ellaneous.

   Some 12 year old called my house at 2:45 this morning to ask if I ordered Indian food. I said, "Are you serious? I ordered that 8 hours ago!" He stuttered, apologized, and hung up! Prank Call Reversal!

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.

   It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"

   6 of those Extreme Coupon people could fix the entire US Budget.

   Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.

   I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."

   I have no respect for today's gangs! They just drive by and shoot people. At least in the old days, like in ''West Side Story'', the gangs used to dance with eachother first!!

   Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?

   Im gonna laugh when the day comes when our generation is saying "You spoiled little brats! All we had in our day was Xbox's, PS3's, iphones, flat-screen tv's & laptops, you ungrateful little sh!t"

   Just once when they interview a serial killer's neighbor I'd like to hear them say "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, I told people for years he was gonna do this"

   I'm doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!

   If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.