Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace

   FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.

   My favourite part of driving through my state,, is the four-mile stretch of highway that isn’t under construction.

   In the event of a nuclear war, the only things that will survive are roaches . Which means US should still have a functioning government

   Better feed that camel toe, its eating your yoga pants.

   Not every trophy wife is first place...

   For best kale smoothie: 1) Fill blender with ice 2) Place kale in trash 3) Pour rum in blender 4) Add fresh fruits 5) Blend well 6) Enjoy

   I just found out that his full name is actually,, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.

   My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

   I'm late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-6. I'm thankful for boobs

   Just found a hole in my sock and now I'm worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.

   Frankly auto correct,I'm getting tired of your shirt.

   Just watched a guy walk down the street eating a bowl of cereal. That guy has life figured out.

   I carry around a jar with a cricket for uncomfortable silences.

   The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of an iPhone is that I can afford the old one.

   I think the winner should aspire to greater things than a chicken dinner...

   I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.

   I've just renamed my wifi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02". That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.

   there is a big diffrence when a boy and a girl says "i went through a box of tissue watching a movie"

   If you put a empty 40oz bottle to your ear , you can hear the ghetto .