Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 447 of 6384
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during sex.
Guy in office: "My computer just went down on me!" Lady in next office: "Which button did you press to get that???"
YAWN so I can see if you're the one...
If breast/penis enlargment cream worked, wouldn't your hands get bigger?
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07-24-2010 21:09
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Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
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08-10-2010 00:57 by Jeff
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While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart
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08-19-2009 23:43 by Mike
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Dear McDonalds cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy b!tch.
Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
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12-17-2011 05:02 by flinnie
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It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.
I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.
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12-09-2011 12:30 by Aaron
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I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
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04-06-2012 18:04 by snotty
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What doesn't kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.
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04-13-2012 16:52 by R2D2
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The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.
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02-26-2012 07:30 by flinnie
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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
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02-26-2012 07:33 by flinnie
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The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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10-15-2011 11:59 by Aaron
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The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
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11-03-2011 12:59
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No, I'm not "done sleeping." In fact, I will never be done sleeping, I'm merely taking a break in order to earn money so that I may keep my bed in its current, climate-controlled location.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
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02-09-2011 21:24
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