Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We'll see.

   Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."

   Nothing ruins a perfectly pleasant day like going to work.

   We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.

   Homonyms: a reel waist of thyme.

   Sometimes I prefer the storm before the calm. A little chaos gets my juices flowing.

   Reminding you to never argue with someone who is not on your level of intelligence. Hand them a box of crayons and walk away knowing that you are smarter.

   finally finished ALL of my laundry. Now, I just have to sweep it's ashes out of the fireplace.

   Either my memory is getting shorter or the commercials are getting longer. Either way,by the time the shows back on,i've forgotten what I was watching!

   "you gotta laugh.. sometimes its the only weapon you got" - Roger Rabbit

   when you're in a hole, it's best to stop digging

   I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that, cuz I'm modest.

   I am looking forward to the day when a figure skater is brave enough to come out as openly straight

   Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   It took McDonald's 30 years to serve breakfast all day and now they won't shut up bragging about it...

   The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run, sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.