Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it

   "Back in my day, Smurfs used to be smaller" -We're watching Avatar, grandma

   If restaraunt napkins ever become currency, my glove box will become Fort Knox.

   No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine

   We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

   I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet

   The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand

   Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

   I miss the good old days before social media when adults acted like four year olds in private.

   Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn't have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.

   They say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so when I eat a hotdog I try to finish it in 6 seconds so it doesn’t get awkward.

   Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.

   'The Hangover' playing over & over on TV. Well played TBS

   There isn't a non-creepy way to compliment a girls feet.

   Don't pay Facebook $2 to 'promote' your latest status. Simply send me half that amount, and I'll repeat it to all my friends in real life. For an extra 50c, I'll throw in a funny face when I say it.

   I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underpants looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

   Math Quiz: my sister's been unmarried since 1997. How many cats does she have?

   It's better to have loved and lost, than live with the idiot for the rest of your life!

   Bounty Hunters killed all my paper towels.

   You only get eight or nine chances with me. That's it.