Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

   Lecturing my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures.

   I think video games ruined my life. Good thing I have two extra lives...

   If I just fly to Arizona without ID and let them deport me to Mexico, would it be cheaper than if I flew directly there?

   Instead of Facebook asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "What kind of drama do you have today?"

   Does "I caught myself singing a Justin Beiber song" go at the beginning or the end of a suicide note?

   It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.

   I'm not the type of person you should put on speaker phone

   I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.

   Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.

   It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   In honor of MLK: I'm going to wash my whites and colors together today.....

   Time Warner was voted America’s worst company in an online poll by the blog Consumerist. I have to say, I’m kind of surprised that Time Warner customers were able to get online.

   Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

   It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.

   Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

   Just once, I'd like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.

   Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.

   I find it funny how people throw around inspirational stuff like ‘live your life to the fullest’ after they've spent the entire day on Facebook.

   I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check