Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...

   It's probably called almond milk because nut juice doesn't sound as enticing..

   Harvey Weinstein is a woman hating jerk. I hope he never makes another dime again.

   Elizabeth and Bernie have both been in Washington for like 50 years so why haven't they fixed the tax codes yet?

   Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.

   most pirates get their eye patches just a little while after they get their hooks

   I hate those unrealistic movies...you know, the ones where men are friends with women.

   Kim Kardashian dating Kanye? The only thing bigger than Kim's ass is Kanye's ego. They must balance each other out.

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day. Feels like it should be posted on Facebook.

   I alternate between cautious optimism and reckless pessimism.

   Haters will broadcast your failure, but whisper your success.

   They say the world is going to end this year. C'mon now, these fools can barely predict the weather.

   everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs...i'm drawn to them like a moth to a flame, jus to make their lives a living hell

   ‘Dog Whisperer' host finalizes divorce, must pay ex-wife $23,000 a month. I didnt know you can make so much money whispering to dogs,, I whisper to mine and she just looks at me

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   I don't even know why I look in the back seat of my car when I get in at night.Like the killer is going to scream 'Oh crap! you saw me, retreat!

   Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

   Yes, you are entitled to your opinion. Why you insist on being wrong is beyond me, but go nuts with it.

   The fact that you don't find me amazing doesn't bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.

   Ladies: Don't be mad he can't take a hint; be mad that you are dating an idiot.