Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Finally, Facebook gives me what I always wanted, a news feed within my news feed...

   I don't remember if the toilet water was blue or not before I sat down, so there's a chance I'm magical.

   I joke a lot, but in reality nothing can stop me from reaching my goals, except for shiny distractions or moderate discomfort.

   who ever said "the freaks come out at night" has obviously never been to Walmart during the day

   I see you're playing stupid. Looks like you're winning too.

   Every time I'm in a hotel and I pass by a room with a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign, I always assume that the people inside are banging the hell out of each other.

   When someone is talking behind your back.....Just fart

   My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

   No I didn't watch the VMA. I was unaware MTV EVEN showed music videos anymore

   Today, I found out that ‘Made in China' stickers are made in Korea. Mind = BLOWN!

   With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.

   Who wants to help me fill blow-up dolls with helium and release them tomorrow?

   I dont see your silence as a punishment, I accept it as a gift, Thankyou.!!.

   Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

   The only people that don't make mistakes are those that aren't doing anything

   Hugh Hefner dumped at the alter! Thats sad after he wasted those whole 2 months getting to know her.

   What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?

   When someone tells me smoking is harmful, I throw my cigarette down and say "Serious? There, I've just quit! Quick let's go warn the others!

   Dont you hate when you lying to somebody and someone else come out of nowhere like "oh yeah, I heard about that"..... lol.... NO you didnt, cause I made it up!!!

   i bet Bin Laden regrets allowing his iPhone app to 'use current location'...