Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have discovered that there are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.

   My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place. ;)

   just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.

   Do headphones just tie themselves in knots while we're not looking?

   When you begin a sentence with “Don't tell anybody, but...”, the person you're talking to has already thought about who to tell.

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   I remember that one time, before Facebook, when I went outside and did stuff.

   When did "wear something green" turn into "dress like an idiot?"

   Marriage is like a late night phone call. You get a ring and then you wake up.

   A nice way to fire people is by throwing them a surprise going away party.

   Dilemma: do I the wash dishes, or attempt to eat cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

   Me: grandma, have you seen my pills? they were labelled LSD. Grandma: Fu*k the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen..

   You know your getting old when you drop something on the floor and instead picking it right back up, you just stare at it for a minute or two...

   if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!

   Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

   Just once when the trainer asks one of the background people in the workout video how he's doing, I want him to respond: "I'm exhausted - you're a fu*king lunatic"

   Women are completely defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.

   Since Facebook shows when you add new friends, it's only fair, and would be quite amusing, to show when you delete someone...and why.

   the me who wakes up in the morning has zero respect for the me who set the alarm the night before!