Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Knows you're getting old when you watch a porno and think "Oh that bed looks comfortable.".

   Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take?

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

   Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair

   Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.

   I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.

   You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud.

   I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there.

   A friend of mine just married a Chinese billionaire. Cha Ching

   I was thinking of donating to the sperm bank, they pay good money actually.. I can't believe how much money I've let slip through my fingers.

   Dear fourth grader on Facebook: How are you in a complicated relationship? What did they do? Steal your animal crackers?

   A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First lemme see the sandwich."

   Don't worry if you can't come up with a good Rapture joke. It's not the end of the world.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

   I can't undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

   After many attempts to drown my sorrows, I'm starting to fear they may have learned to swim.