Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim K is single again and the McRib is back... Black men are having the best week of their lives.

   I've decided I'm not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry.

   I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.

   Did you know, if on a full moon if you light a candle and say the name of someone you love 3 times, you'll look stupid doing that?

   If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It's now a Walmart.

   Dear Santa: How much for your list with all the naughty girls on it?

   If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

   One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.

   In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.

   Kissing a girl on her forehead is care, on her cheek is respect, on her lips is love, but kissing her in front of her boyfriend is GUTS

   I find a bit of sick pleasure in holding the door for people that are still far away to force them into an awkward run

   just sent a text message to a random number saying "Im Pregnant"

   I tried to look up the Kelly Blue Book value of my car and it said before it could tell me it needed to know how much gas was in it....

   offering his new drink. It's the Bin Laden. It's two shots and a splash of water.

   Today I saw a homeless man holding a sign that said "why live in a $100k home when I can live under a 3 million dollar bridge?"

   'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME

   LIKE if you remember having to REWIND a video before you returned it.

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you ain't as cute as you think you are