Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!

   Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold

   Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.

   My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.

   Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.

   I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.

   Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.

   Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me

   Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

   I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It's H2OMG

   I'm sorry Febreeze.. I don't believe the commercials where you take the two blindfolded women into a crack house and the kitchen with the decaying meat tray and they smell Yosimte National Park.. :-/

   Daughter: iPod.... Son: iPhone.......Mom: iPad.......Dad: iPay

   OK England, we will see your wedding and raise you a funeral.

   If my Grandad were alive and on FB he'd be posting the same 9 or 10 stories over and over and as much as that would drive me crazy I would give anything to see his smile and "like" his posts today.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them!!!!

   I guess today has been pretty good. I haven't had to slap one single person yet....

   I can no longer "drop it like it's hot", so I "squat like it's warm".

   Dear Starbucks and gas stations...it isn't a competition to see who can charge more.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.