Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anybody else go around clicking LIKE on all the hot chicks posts, no matter what stupid sh*t it is?

   We all have a "friend" we don't even like..

   The best way to "baby proof" your house is to wear a condom.

   Just took some vitamins *while* drinking Vitamin Water then ripped the roof off a Buick and ate a building.

   If I ever get as excited about the McRib as the people in the commercials do....SLAP ME!

   Last women I hooked up with at the retirement home told me, "If you break it you buy it"! You know what that hip replacement cost me

   I want to make a font joke, but I'm just not bold enough.

   I wouldn't say that I'm really a bad dancer more like....overly Caucasian.

   The dilemma with resisting temptation is that it may never be offered again.

   "Step one: Cut a hole in the box!"

   :There's nothing more romantic than seeing young lovers dry hump their way through Wal-Mart...

   Head banging to rock music doesn't have the same effect when your bald. Ask me how I know this.

   Try and find me now Sucka!- bread tie

   My psychic told me I will soon be ripped off by someone I trust. Knowing that was well worth the $500 she charges me.

   Not sure why libs are whining. They've been given a gift in Hillary's loss. The gift of 4 years of complaining which is what they do best. Make that 2nd best. Doing nothing is what they do best.

   Looks like the witch hunt is catching a lot of witches.

   To anyone moving to Canada when Trump is elected President. Can I have first dibs on what you're not taking with you, thanks. . .

   Coworker: I don't appreciate how you... Me: Let me stop you right there, I don't give a sh*t what you appreciate.

   The Germans ate Brazil for dinner. They were the wurst!

   Million $ idea: Website called "dodgedabullet.com" with pics of former hot girls that blew up when you saw them at a reunion.