Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

   Remember the days when you could push your friend in the pool and not worry if they had a cellphone in their pocket? Good times...

   My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn't jiggle while I brush my teeth...

   Maintaining a Facebook page for your dog is an easy way to let all your friends know you're crazy.

   You can only put the wheels on a wagon so many times, then it's time for a new wagon!

   "Page 404 Not Found" I wasn't even looking for page 404.

   Gas prices are about $3.95 a gallon and females still think guys are coming over to just "CHILL"

   Sometimes it's better to react with no reaction.

   Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

   Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

   I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

   There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"

   So have they made a drink called Tequila Mockingbird yet? What the hell are they waiting for???

   I'm thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."

   I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie

   It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times.

   If video games make you violent, does monopoly make you a millionaire?