Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   confused.His left part of his brain has nothing right in it and the right part of his brain has nothing left in it

   When two meth addicts go out, is it considered speed dating?

   My 2011 New Years Resolution is to hangout with more than 2 of my facebook friends.

   you never realize how annoying people are until you add them on facebook :)

   $3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo.

   It's not that I'm immature, it's just that you started it.

   I hate it when someone text me to call them, then when you call they never answer

   Okay... If we get caught, pretend we don't speak English!

   Sometimes, karma is just too busy with other injustices in the world and that's where revenge comes in.

   There's no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."

   Everyone has that friend that needs to stop bumming and buy their own pack of cigarettes.

   If everyone were telling the truth on fb, the economy would be booming, all kids would be geniuses, everyone would look like they're in their 20's, and all relationships would remain happily ever after.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.

   When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a demolition derby.

   I'm looking for sponsors to prove that money can't make me happy.....Please send generous donations so I can conduct my experiment! ツ

   Madonna and Johnny Depp seem completely unaware they aren't British

   In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

   Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.