Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is proof that you can party as a profession.

   that the word "studying" comes from the words "students dying".

   You know it's awkward when your dad sends friend requests to all your friends.

   would describe himself in 3 words........moody,annoying,awesome......(the first 2 are what my wife said when I asked her).

   Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

   I'd like to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my a** !!!.

   I'm a "person of interest"? Well,thank you very much, Officer.

   the best part of baking is licking the bowl.

   Love is a fire... But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.

   When some one says "wait for it".....as a comedic device. Its even funnier to just drop kick them in the balls real fast. I like this!

   Why does the disclaimer narrater for prescription drugs always sound so happy about all the side effects?

   NFL Update: Favre Reports Stiffness.

   a supporter of the Rent Is Too Damn High Party"!

   went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but couldn't find any

   Society is never going to make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.

   Never entrust your life to a surgeon who has more than two band -aids on his fingers

   When you send me a message that starts off "I remember how much fun we had!" in your friend request...Please take the profile picture of your grandmother with the new baby down. That scares the hell out of me!

   's favourite fruit is grapes. With grapes, you always get another chance. If you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

   decided to end all of his stories with "and the rest is history" from now on to make them seem more interesting. Example: "and that's why I decided to change toilet paper brands...and the rest is history"

   Anyone that asks me to go shopping on Black Friday will be slapped.