Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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One day, you come home and everything has changed, like the locks. 
i'm not real happy that the wrapping on my toilet paper said '100% Recycled' !!
seriously ....BACON flavored Vodka !?!?!? Now all you alcoholics that are on the Atkins diet REJOICE !!!!!!! do the fat happy dance...and fall over !!!!
It felt good to turn my lights out yesterday for Earth Day. On hindsight,i probably shouldn't have been driving at the time.
Has been lonely lately so I just made an appointment for my annual physical and prostate exam
Our children are really going to think we're old when they find out that we were born "before the Internet."
If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable...you disconnect yourself from what you truly want...and all that is left is a compromise...
Facebook: making people think we really know their birth date
Iphone has just patented anti sexting software..brett favre your going to want to get a DROID
he let me duct tape his mouth because I said it was my fetish, I really just wanted him to shut up
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Spiders are "just bugs"? Oh then I guess king kong is "just a monkey" huh pal? You kill it!!!!
I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.
New Year's Eve: Where old acquaintance be forgot...Unless, of course, those tests come back positive!
Bringing a date to a wedding is like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip
I wonder if its cold? It would be great if someone would post a temperature related update so I would know.
it just me or is anyone else forced to feed their evil dust bunnies that live under there bed??
I often view the Thanksgiving table as a roulette table, something about potato salad and macaroni salad made by people that don't like me makes me think I would be safer in Vegas betting the house and car
Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix and Bill Nye all have the same birthday. And that day is today. November 27th should be renamed Awesome Day
No officer...I'm not slurring my speech. I'm speaking in cursive... 