Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When telling someone the first rule about Fight Club, aren't you in fact breaking that rule yourself?

   Most people find it difficult to accept change. But from my experience its impossible to get strippers to accept it.

   beginning to feel like every day of my life is like an open tryout for a wacky new reality television show.

   Been there. Done that. Bought the T-shirt. Sold it on EBay. Made a tidy little profit.

   What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't.. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my grandfather.

   I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme!

   If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?

   It must be impossible to stand out as a prostitute working on Halloween.

   why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable... Like a coma.

   Wife had a facelift today,not high enough,i can still see it,

   "Pocahontas" + "Iron Man" + "Surrogates" + "The Last Samurai" = Avatar

   ok I have received those emails and basically.. "Yes I do want a bigger penis, but not if there's a flipping virus attached!"

   mailing out 'blank inside' note cards to all the people that make me crazy...let them go crazy trying to figure out where it came from and what it should have said...

   Gary Busey kicked @ss during his halftime performance.....

   eating his cocoa puffs and when I am done I will drink the chocolate milk!!! yeah that's right that's how I roll!

   The other day I admitted that I saw both The Devil Wears Prada and Nanny Diaries in the same conversation. I should hand my penis right back to my parents.

   I haven't seen chaos like in Egypt since Popeye's opened a restaurant in Atlanta!!

   I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.

   Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!