Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 172 of 6454

I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.' You don't need shoes to walk on gravel, but they help.
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10-14-2015 07:48 by mds
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So...if Wal Mart can sell a TV for $100 the day after Thanksgiving when they're paying 500 employees to work, why can't they sell it for $90 today when there's only 8 employees in the whole store??
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11-18-2014 20:31
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I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "f**k that" to "yes, dear".
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10-06-2010 12:09 by Aaron
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Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."
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08-16-2010 15:30
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My biggest fear this Sunday is to open my front door and see a kid who I don't know wish me a happy fathers day.
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06-15-2012 15:23
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Every New Year we make a resolution to change ourselves… maybe this year try making a resolution to be yourself!
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12-31-2012 06:38
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A girl can post a pic on fb where she looks like the south end of a north bound mule, and there will be some guy who'll post, "You're beautiful!"
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01-07-2013 01:13
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MOM: “Why is there a condom in your purse?!” DAUGHTER: “I dunno. Would you be happier if you found a baby in my purse instead?”

Believes that every great idea begins with "Hold my beer and watch this"
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05-04-2011 15:27
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My Dad asked me what I wanted for Xmas tonight. I told him a gift certificate from Adam and Eve so I could get that swing set. He said he thought the kids were a bit old for it but he said he would look it up online. Boy is he in for a surprise.....

The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be....
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06-03-2015 20:48 by Mark M
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Remember when you ordered from Columbia House... the first 5 times?
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04-24-2013 19:35 by JimmyCos
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I wonder how much they pay Stephen Hawking to make those severe weather announcements on the radio?
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09-05-2013 02:13
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Menstruation Day 1. Don't touch me Day 2. Hug me Day 3. Don't talk to me Day 4. Why don't you speak to me? Day 5. You never understand me

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
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10-10-2012 03:47 by Czovczov
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I got a letter from the college I graduated from... I hope it's a refund check for my murdered dreams.
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04-30-2010 18:50 by Joser
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This is a lousy dating site.
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04-27-2015 15:06
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Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
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06-26-2015 18:31 by Aaron
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My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.
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07-22-2015 10:48
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Once upon a time, I used to worry that people would think I'm weird. These days I'm genuinely surprised when they don't. ;)
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03-05-2014 13:42
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