Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better

   Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

   I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night...

   The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions

   Accidentally wore a red shirt & khaki pants to Target today &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

   KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will bring Americans together today, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner....

   thinks that it is insane that I need a background check to adopt a puppy but any moron can have a baby...

   realized that I'm getting old. 20 years ago all of my friends were on drugs. Now they're all on medication...

   Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.

   Some of my "friends" on Facebook need to be reminded that high school is over.

   I remember a time when I was overly optimistic about the great things that were to come in the new year. Well...here's to not stepping in dog siht while checking the mail in 2016.

   Why can't we drop all the hyphens and just be Americans?

   A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I've probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.

   You said you love spending time with your children. School Snow Days determined that was a lie.

   Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....

   I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.

   I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.

   Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.

   I have to constantly remind myself of the fact that life is too short to waste it on getting mad at idiots

   Dear mom, Please stop telling me not to play with my food. You spent the first 2 years of my life pretending it was an airplane.