Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.

   How come today is Monday when yesterday was only Friday??

   Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.

   I can’t wait for the day when all the DJ Khaled fans turn 30 years old. Music today absolutely blows and he’s the leader. Just because you can push a button and yell a random phrase like “go n get it” does not make you an artist.

   Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed

   A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

   Good thing it's Valentines day, cause I woke up with a massive heart on!

   In China, forklifts are called chop-stick lifts.

   Biden created the most heavily armed terrorist nation in history.

   wondering what Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand.

   Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)

   The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad)

   I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I'm always like, "I love you," and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."

   Apparently the person in the next stall doesn't want their feet tickled.

   Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.