Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got to heavens gate and god sent me back.....the good die young, I aint eligible for that

   dyslexic with tourettes..bucking fastard..cupid stunt.. oh hole ass

   Has a date with Mr. Hangover today, she wishes her friends would just let her be single and stop trying to play matchmaker!!!!

   Beer is good for what ales you.

   It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize you are in a hurry.

   Dear Waldo: Bite me. Go find yourself.

   America is only the land of the free for people who have lots of money.

   Pass the parcel would work better if there is no prize that way one kid is disappointed but everyone else is happy

   thinks life is like a rubix cube. Some people have the patience to solve it and the others just cheat to see how others do it

   I hate it when I run out of Staples. And so do their security guards.

   Due to an "incident",my Mafia family is entering into a Witness Protection program in a Farmville,a few accounts away.

   Every piece of chocolate I ever ate is getting back at me..desserts are very revengeful..they make sure you land up in the gymjail and weep!

   - I got stopped by a woman in the street today.... She said, "Excuse me, sir, have you had an accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault?" I said, "Yes, she's nearly 2 now."........

   Just in, Angelina Jolie is gonna adopt another child she just came back from SARAJEVO BOSNIA she got a new son MUJO JOLIE PITT.

   persuade the Canadians to take back Justin Bieber like they have already taken our gold medal.

   You can negotiate with a terrorist, NOT with a red head.

   had a dream I was stranded on a deserted island with Dracula and Nancy Pelosi. Pretty spooky! One is a evil being that is pale and will drain the life out of you.....And the other one's a vampire

   Wonders if Old Macdonald has a Farmville addiction...

   wonders at what point in a proctologists life do they decide, 'When I grow up, I want to be sure everyones a$$ho!e is puckered up and functional!"

   went to the sex shop to get a new toy and is now very disappointed. I picked the big red one featured on the wall., and they told me to pick another one. Supposedly, that was their fire extinguisher...and here I thought it was just cleverly named!