Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because I'm not answering, doesn't mean I'm not listening.

   all that, a bag of chips, *and* salsa. *AND* queso.

   If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it

   I'm taking this Cookie little Kid.. And Don't Use that Swiper no Swipping Sh*t on me because that Don't work in the Real World.Grow up!"

   I love Kit-Kat...unless I'm with four or more people.

   The last thing I want to do in insult you... BUT it is on the LIST..

   I'm not a fan of drama but I know a lot of people running for club president.

   I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

   just found a frosty spilled all over the Wendy's bathroom floor. That must be why the guy came out sweating red in the face. I'd be mad too if I dropped my frosty!

   Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

   I've got all the money I'll ever need....... as long as I die by four o'clock this afternoon.

   Super-genius Stephen Hawking has warned we may NOT wanna be sending out signals to contact aliens as they may not be so kindly towards us. It makes me wonder...does world government already KNOW about aliens and the reason we have a huge overabundance of

   I stopped drinking, but only when I sleep.

   always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

   I was once challenged my own reflection to a staring contest. On the fourth day I won!

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence... now go away...

   watched JAWS backwards last night - it is a good movie about a SHARK that puts a boat back together (with it's mouth) and puts people on the boat, and then throws-up people until they open the beach!!!

   Roethlisberger has been suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican

   always wondered why people with no teeth often buy the most expensive toothpaste.

   I'll tear down the stars and I'll give them to you. They're not as pretty as your eyes, but I guess they'll have to do.