Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes. I am aware that my shirt is wrinkled and no I didn't feel like ironing it....don't judge me.

   got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

   My friend was too cheap to hire a proper butler. So he ended up with one with no left arm. Serves him right.

   did you know that Women in New York may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

   Almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met :(

   What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male Fraud.

   just drove passed a Budweiser Delivery truck wrecked on the side of the freeway, oh the humanity... I'd like a moment of silence please...

   Don't worry about people from your past, There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

   My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

   You call it poor parenting, I call it raising free range children.

   Just had a customer call me for a quote, and he SANG me all his information..... so I sang back.. " ? If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ?.... Didnt get the sale..

   textually active

   says Judge me all you want... just keep the verdict to yourself

   is eating mushrooms and chasing white rabbits

   out making some changes in hisher life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes!

   I bought a pack of biscuits today and on it said "store in a cool place." So I sent them to Samuel Jacksons house.

   has heard better comebacks from someone in a coma.

   laying on his bed, looking up at the stars and wondering... WTF??? wheres my roof?

   Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.

   If a woman wants a man who can take orders, they should marry a waiter!