Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   with the way kids are so HYPER these days, I probably wouldn't have enough patience to be a Kindergarten Teacher...we'd have to play games like DUCT, DUCT, TAPE!

   meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice but falling in love with you I had no control over

   heard that Thailand has the highest rate of prostitution in the world, but again what dyu expect from a country whose name is "THAI-land", with a capital city named "BANG-KOK" and a tourist destination called "PHUK-ET"!!!

   wants to play basketball with the president and dunk on his delegates.

   Why are some parents hypocritical..."don't lie to me or I'll tell SAnta on you"

   If brains were money you'd have to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee

   if I felt anymore like crap, I'm sure I'd be sitting in a toilet getting ready to be flushed away.

   what do a shingle and a fat girl have in common?.......98% chance will be nailed by a mexican.

   Beware of those people who never post any statuses!...Come on now, we all know you're not JUST on fb to play the games, after all that's what a good ole game of solitaire is for.

   a wise monkey never monkeys with another monkeys monkey

   Everything I ever needed to know I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.

   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

   "I see!" says the blind man, as he pisses in the fan, "It all comes back to me now..."

   Fat Girls are good for two things. Heat in the winter and shade in the summer

   Mmm... caffeine pills. The midnight snack of champions

   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me instead."

   There is nothing friendlier than a wet dog.

   When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

   sliced bread, best invention since icecream on a stick...

   If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you grin, what makes you pregnant? (Two highballs and a Squirt)