Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.

   Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

   It's a shame that all the people who know how to run the country are all busy driving taxi's and cutting hair!

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

   Why is it that people always point to their wrist when they ask what time it is? I don't see them pointing to their ass when they ask where that bathroom is!!!

   I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man. But apparently, they're not a "proper present".

   If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters.

   Ive not seen such a guilty face since I finished my jigsaw of O J Simpson

   No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been feeding off "I Don't Like Mondays" for 30 years.

   there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog sh*t? Actually, maybe somebody without a dog!

   I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

   Venus Williams has brought something different to the women's game – male genitalia.

   I live in an apartment with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer

   Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

   Beepedy,beep beep....

   An email virus caused millions of dollars in damages to home computers around the world this week. Time for some pay back...lets all punch a Nerd in the face!

   I'm not a drunk. I just play one under the TV.

   If your in my circle, Congratulations your a HAPPY person.