Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the mayor of sassy town

   Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.

   i taught that if I made my self a few gay friends, they would have given me fashion tips.... instead they just fu*ked me .

   if I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked me for change...ide still say no.

   can't understand the the problem with "Don't Ask Don't Tell" - the Catholic Church has been using it for hundreds of years, and it's never been a problem

   Necrophilia, puts the fun in funeral

   A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's.......She changes it more often.

   I just played FARKLE against somebody from across the World, and yet we had a mutual friend! My opponent knows Pamela Anderson too!

   Justin Bieber is being accused of assault on a 12 year old while playing laser tag.... He's FINALLY got the street cred he needed... 'bout time ;)

   At a meeting last night Bill gates and Steve Jobs were both in attendance , when Gates started dozing off , Jobs replied "There's a nap for that"

   MTV needs to be "Made" into a better channel

   A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.

   My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

   People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

   Business truth: The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.

   Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.

   If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger ...

   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

   My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?