Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One reason I hate politics is because of all the junk mail you get these days about one worthless candidate bashing the next about what a terrible job they are/would be doing. Personally I think they all suck. My name is John and I approve this message.

   i have no problem sacrificing for friends......... but it is hard to find a virgin and suitable altar

   Bought a pair of pajamas with pockets. Thank God, cause she use to have hold everything while she slept.

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.

   "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   Was asked if I really believe in zombies. I informed him that no, zombies are not real and that its just a pop culture thing. He then walked away pleased with answer I had given him. Now I can't wait to see the look on his face when the next zombie outbre

   Might get my balls botoxed today.

   as confused as a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

   Have you ever looked at the last few loads of dirty laundry and considered just throwing them away??

   Wonders why eleven isn't just onety-one...

   I wish the ATM machine would spit me out an extra 20 just one damn time!!

   Did you know that you can't hum with ur nose plugged??

   Do sheep get heavy in the rain??

   bored of poking, can we have a spank button??

   Remember, we're not here for a long time, we're here for a GOOD TIME!!!

   Mean people suck. Nice people swallow. Great people do BOTH. ;)

   The NFL should change it's name to the little girls league with all these rules. Football is a violent and physical sport, if you get hurt, it's part of the job.

   It's time for attention to pay me instead.

   Imagine how much fun women in burkas must have tagging each other on Facebook.

   dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets for halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at this time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes now anyway