Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   remember when cops really wanted to PROTECT and SERVE and teachers really wanted to EDUCATE children? I miss the 1800's

   Poor Snooki, Charlie Sheen wouldnt even hit that.

   Wisconsin 0...Gov. Walker 1....now go home and put your cheese head hats on.

   FOR SALE: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.

   Where you find true friendship, You find true love.

   Talked to Mom tonight. She said she got a good 8 inches in Albany tonight. God I hope she's talking about snow...

   I think the guy in the Trojan personal messager commercial is way too happy that his girl friend got 3 of them

   Okay I have time to get an hour of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick but meaningful.

   looking for a landingstrip to a hanger where I can park my plane in for the night.

   You've just gotta love that awkward moment when you start telling a story and you realize no one's listening, so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.

   cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding....I'm looking at Hustler and having a beer,

   When writing the story of your life... Don't let anyone hold the pen!!!

   I've perfected the art of the “You're telling me a story that I don't care about, but I'm trying to look interested” face.

   Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?

   nothing scares a teacher "quite" like a person who can't spell.

   I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at statuses all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.

   I cut my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire.

   Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes out their mouth is sh!t.

   Nothing scares the government quiet like an educated citizen...

   What happens in Vegas end up on Facebook