Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my women like I like my beer.... gone when I'm finished!

   Each day gives you an opportunity to change something in your life. I use that opportunity to change my underwear.

   Patience is like urine, sooner or later you may loose it!

   Youre never too old to learn something stupid

   Lady Gaga is really Marilyn Manson after 10 years of hormone therapy

   Charlie Sheen snorted enough coke to kill Two and a Half Men.

   hah... you're going out with my ex? Cool, want my leftover sandwich, too?

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say, "Guess what?"

   I'm playing hide-and-seek with my kid... He'll never find me... He's not old enough to get into the bar...

   do you think that butterflies get tattoo's of women's butts?"

   If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN mouth!"

   PMS: stands for either "Pass My Shotgun" or "Potential Murder Suspect". Take your pick.

   thinks I've found the cure for stupidity... a shock collar. And if it doesn't cure them, at least you got a good laugh watching them twitch."

   AT&T makes it very easy to play hard to get.

   I'm thinking about going out tonight, because after all, the Beastie Boys DID fight for my right to party....

   Everytime I get on facebook, I feel like I am shopping at Lowe's for bathroom updates.

   Bert and Ernie...it's ok to be gay, it's 2011. Just get married and get it over with.

   statistics show that 1 out of 20 of us live next door to a conivcted pedophile, not me though, I live next to two stunning 16 year olds.

   it just me or does Oscar the grouch look like a big pile of weed?

   Im not fat I'm just easier to see