Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You hear people say don't feed squirrels or birds b/c it will affect the animals' instincts/skills and negatively affect the entire ecosystem. Maybe people nowadays's should apply that philosophy to child rearing.....

   According to the Virgin mobile commercials I have a stalker that loves to watch me sleep and hide in my closet...

   Austin 3:16 says I just whopped your a$$

   I didn't ditch you for the couch... I was already on my couch!! That means I would've been ditching my couch for you!

   You can't put a price on happiness... However the bi-products Water, Pg&E, Internet, Clothes, Shoes, Movies, Food, Transportation, Travel.... You can put a price on.

   Charlie Sheen uses tobasco sauce for eye drops! Winning!

   went to the hairdressers and asked for a numer 1 all over and she pee'd all over my head. I wont fall for that again though.... next time i'll just ask for a number 2.

   that a friend in need is a friend indeed, but a 'friend' that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.

   Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account.

   A wise man once told me, "You are not the father"! Thanks Maury!

   The Only good thing that can come from a kim kardashian song, is a kim kardashian music video!

   it bad when I'm talking to myself and I'm not even listening?

   watching the origin of the KKK on the history channel...take a stand and join the klan? that doesnt even rhyme...YA RETARDS.

   Life's too short to wake up in a bad mood- I save mine until I get to work.

   Note to self: Never make a sarcastic remark to someone who is really angry, unless you're prepared to run like hell.

   Whenever I don't hear from someone in a while I think, "Oh, sh$t They found out."

   never shuts the bathroom door. If someone walks in, I say: FINALLY!! Get in here, shut the door, and sit on my lap!! Works every time.

   Learn to spell... Auto Correct isn't always write...

   If your dealer runs out of Charlie Cheen, don't let him try to sell you Emilio Estevez.

   ate so many M&Ms last night, you can see faint "M" outlines in my turds!