Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.

   I had a life once . . . now I have a computer and a modem

   There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

   I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote, “If you get (this guy) to work for you, you'll be lucky!”

   Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

   Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.

   HOOTERS...putting lot lizzards to work since 1987

   RJ Just changed his relationship status to " It doesn't have to be that complicated Let's just drink and get naked And see what happens"

   like If you ever Scream at Dora because whatever she's looking for, is right behind her...!!!!

   blind man walking past fish market says, "Hello, ladies."

   My Chemistry teacher asked me if I know the symbol compound of sodium hydrogen. I said NaH.

   I hope Lebron James joins Habitat for Humanity in the off-season... His brick-laying skill will come in handy!

   evEr nitoced how hwrd it is to tpye wiht yuor left hnd whsilt you are wnaking?

   I've just bought a Dalmatian puppy. And I've found out if you join all the dots together with a marker pen... ...it doesn't wash off.

   "The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.

   I really wanna buy a "Winning" T-Shirt.

   I'm not a stalker I'm just bad with goodbyes

   Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct; what they like to be is a man's last romance.

   i'm convinced marliyn manson and lady gaga are the same person

   thinking...the only one who wants Snow right now is Charlie Sheen...I happen to have a whole driveway full....Winning!!!"