Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would love to become Facebook friends with a hooker because I bet the status updates would be very interesting if they were honest, like, "Lindsey just made $300 in 15 minutes."

   Whoever likes mondays; raise your left hand. Good, now use your right hand to slap yourself in the face, stupid.

   Skippy recalls peanut butter because Bacteria was found in peanut butter distributed in Illinois..... And in other news Skippy announces the world wide release today of it's new peanut butter with "active cultures"

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio...now go clean them and make me a sandwich on your way back...

   Temper is what gets most of us into trouble... Pride is what keeps us there.

   feels sorry for all those gangsters in "408", now they're going to have to get their tattoos redone to "669"

   used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.

   refuses to see a doctor whose office plants have died.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met any of Andy's mom's toys... especially since they probably have the same names...

   i walked past my mother-in-law's house today that was on fire. I spotted her screaming from the top window, "SAVE ME, SAVE ME!!!" ...So I did! ...as my new screensaver.

   A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another...

   giving up Pabst Blue Ribbon for Lent.. first few days are always the hardest

   If people insist on acting like an idiot, I must insist on treating them like one.

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio :)

   Sometimes feels like life is a big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

   Am I the only one who watches prescription drug commercials and while they are listing the side effects like, dementia, loss of vision, and thoughts of suicide, suddenly think of an ex?

   I can't even take a picture these days without someone yelling at me, "You better not put that on Facebook!"

   Intelligence is like underwear: It's important to have it, but you don't have to show it off...

   Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free? 'Cause you get what you pay for, that's why.

   Jed Clampett needs to go shootin for some food again. Black Gold, Texas Tea.