Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you have 1 kid ur a parent....when you have 2 ur a referee

   WOW! I knew you had bad intentions, but I never figured you to be a slut...

   Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f***ed

   Am I the only one who sits in the car when it rains, picks a raindrop, and cheers for it to beat all the other ones to the bottom?

   I must be wishing on someone else's star because every time I wish for something, someone else gets it!

   I don't accept blame well, but it's not my fault.

   just gonna park my car at the pump until payday...

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

   you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

   "Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening."

   The brunette asked the blonde why there were bullet holes in the mirror. The blonde replied, "because I tried to commit suicide...it didn't work".

   Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

   Knowlege Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit, Wisdom Is Not Putting It In A Fruit Salad.

   "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"

   When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

   If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.

   My mind is like god. It works in mysterious ways, no one really understands it, and people debate over whether or not it exists.

   hopefully Charlie Sheen's fade into obscurity will be a one-way trip

   But enough about me, let's talk about you... What do you think of me?

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."