Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets.

   My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.

   I hope I never get Alzheimer's... I hate the thought of other people thinking that I should be remembering something that I'm not sure I would want to remember in the first place.

   When a woman says “What?” It's not because didn't hear you, she's just giving you a chance to change what you said!

   Other than insecurity, alcoholism, infidelity, and sheer stupidity most of you are pretty much perfect.

   If you've got nothing nice to say let's sit far away from each other and yell obscenities across the room just to p!ss people off.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!

   If you're purchasing a Dollar Store pregnancy test, I think we both know you can't afford a positive.

   I could care less about Kim Kardashians wedding, the size of her ring or the size of her @ss!

   if I was any more stressed I would complain but I'm not so I wont. instead I choose to be thankful that fart didnt smell that bad.

   Hey youtubers, if your clip wasn't funny the first time around chances are reshowing it in slow mo isn't going to make it any funnier.

   Alone is not bad, remember to be murdered is normally in the company off at least one other person

   Some days it's just too hot for pants :)

   I really thought my ex was joking when she said my obsession with the Monkees would cause us to divorce. Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer.

   If it wasn't for professional wrestling the companies that make metal trash cans would go out of business

   I won't take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.

   Happy Hurricane Season.......

   How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

   Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak